Long Summer Change is inevitable

My heart is slowly growing familiar with the idea of another baby on the way---yes, No. 5.  

We're coasting on the grace and tremendous mercy of God these days.  I've conceded to listened to God's voice in the moments of humility and not the moments of autonomy.

Being a mother of five has never crossed my mind and defies my confidence and personal resolve in many ways---God has me here to draw near to Him.

Marriage is an ever-mysterious process of sanctification but keeps me humble so I know I need it.  

Life is simple and full of the unknown so there's nowhere to look but up for grace and guidance.  God is good all the time.

This place grows cold and empty

What kind of words can I use to describe this place?  A broken heart is such an overdone theme.  This image is a feeble attempt at mending but knowing it'll never be quite the same.  Ugh!  It's like I'm stuck in the chorus of another sad song.  No changes, distractions, or hope for some deterring agenda will take me away from this place and yet I truly wish to leave it with every notion I've left to feel.  It's homesick for a home that didn't even exist.  It's the trap door that doesn't seem to relatch.  It's battling a flatline that seems like the only means of surviving.  

Psalm 22:14-15

I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint;

my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast; my strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to my jaws; you lay me in the dust of death.

2 Samuel 22:31This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Job 5:18 For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.

This place, a distance from the last place

Today and now a series of days have been incredibly hopeful where before, "hope" seemed hard to own...

Vitality...

Things like awesome weather and deep-gut laughter breathe vitality and reveal hope surrounding me.  Blessings of wealth in many small voices and large opinions--many by which I am humbled, impressed, and inspired.

Prayers have been so abundantly answered above my meager requests. 

God's movement is strong and making an impression deeper than my heart has ever known.

I can't stop to look back so much but relish in the here and now and receive strength in patience to stay out of God's way while He transforms me and my husband and my family....I really need to quit getting in His way.

Letting God move is harder than I thought.  He moves me to tears--to be made new but this healing process only works when it hurts.  I hurt so much I want to flee.  I hurt when I pretend not to hurt.  I hurt when I see myself apart from God begging for His nearness and I realize I hurt myself doubting His steadfast love and faithfulness.

Hosea 6:1-3

6 “Come, let us return to the Lord;
    for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
    he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
2 After two days he will revive us;
    on the third day he will raise us up,
    that we may live before him.
3 Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;
    his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
    as the spring rains that water the earth.”

Praise be to God.

truth bearing

Just got transfixed on this piece of glorious text from a Desiring God blog written by Dan DeWitt:

"In this way, all of reality is the believer’s ally in sharing the gospel. Our universal longing for transcendent meaning actually points to a transcendent source. And only Jesus can satisfy this persistent craving. To paraphrase Pascal, this is a God-sized problem that only God can fix. Only the gospel provides an exclusive foundation for human flourishing. All other ground is sinking sand."

...this challenges the heart and mind to absorb to relate, sympathize, and inspire a spirit of Christ.  Amen to soul searching answers through Christ Jesus! 

Read the greater context of DeWitt's message here: http://us2.campaign-archive1.com/?u=94431c7fc1ffa54485d1c84fe&id=001748013d&e=cfe6e84962

More on the canary

I still would like to see/have a real one...  

Proverbs 31:26

Declaring

Where I remain is not in the flesh nor in the surroundings of this life but in Christ.  There is no other place I care to exist or can manage to survive without the promise of what's to come because of the ransom paid on my behalf.  I am not swayed by man and pray each of my kids will be won over by God's steadfast love.  Promised to Him, sustained in Christ, looking always at the greater purpose of this life.  Nothing will ever compare to the security and eternal treasure of Gods love.  Adonai! Lord reign! 

Psalm 107:2

2 Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble

Not all sadness

Just a bunch of fun and precious moments that cheered me up...

Yellow canary

I got this image in my head that verifies my pain in sort of an angry rehash of betrayal.  I've been struggling more with my previous perception of this reality versus my current--the deceived and undeceived.  I wanted to pick a bright bird as the victim so I started looking up the symbolism if birds.  I couldn't get the canary out if my head so when I looked it up and read this I knew it was fitting...

Why "Yellow Canary"?

Sensitive to noxious gases such as carbon monoxide, the yellow canaries were used as organic "early-warning" devices to detect gases that are colorless, odorless and tasteless.

Gases were easily formed underground during a mine fire or after an explosion. It was important that those going back into the mines had a way to detect any noxious gases. Although mice were also used, yellow canaries were more sensitive and the canaries' distress was more readily observable to the miners.

A canary would waver on its perch at the first sign of danger - and - lose consciousness and drop to the bottom of their cages before the levels of toxins in the air affected the miners. If the canary hit the deck, the miners hit the exits.

Once electronic gauges were developed to measure levels of these gases, the use of the canaries stopped. (Mostly because, over time, the electronic devices proved to be cheaper.

Over time, to call someone or something a "yellow canary" took on a wider meaning. To be a "yellow canary" a "canary in a cage" or a "canary in the mine" meant being an "early-warner". Certainly, the use of the concept is apt when used in conjunction with the field of environmental pollution of any kind. In a wider interpertation, being a "yellow canary" is to be sensitive to changes in the environment, to be aware of and affected by dangerous elements wherever and however they exist.

...in my controlling state if mind I wish I could've been more true to my gut with my sense of something "off" in my marriage.  But that doesn't invite my faith in God's sovereignty which is more comforting in this storm--He is at work in this transformation.

Philippians 1:6

 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Abandonment

I came across this photo someone pinned and the title was, "Abandoned".  I couldn't take my eyes off.  I have felt a pang from that term for months now but this image is gruesomely vivid in its depiction of a feeling of abandonment.  So then I feel the need to thesaurusize my feeling....

abandoned [ uh-ban-duhnd ]

Main Entry: abandoned

Part of Speech: adjective

Definition: left alone, deserted

Synonyms: alone, cast aside, cast away, deserted, discarded, dissipated, dropped, dumped, eighty-sixed, eliminated, empty, forgotten, forsaken, given up, godforsaken, jilted, left, left in the cold, left in the lurch, neglected, on the rocks, outcast, passed up, pigeon-holed, rejected, relinquished, shunned, side-tracked, sidelined, unoccupied, vacant, vacated

Then I feel exposed- much like the drywall and interior structure of those tattered walls.  Starring directly at it feels disarming.

Truth for lies: 

Isaiah 61:3

3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
    to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
    the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
    the planting of the Lord,that he may be glorified.

It's just hair

I gave in to my self deprecating 

Before:

After:

I hope some sadness leaves with the old mop.  So far it only feels worse.  Boo hoo, right?  

Spiritually rancid right now...praying for healing joy.  

By his wounds you have been healed.

1 Peter 2:24

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

This is a vivid description of resolve to my greatest battle of feeling destroyed by another person.  We think of the depth and embarrassing marks of our personal wounds like a cloak of identity.  But when you consider Christs wounds-- remember that scene in The Passion when Jesus is being brutally beaten with  flesh tearing chains?  The excess of blood pouring from his head, back, arms, legs, hands and feet...  The final blow to his side that poured more water than blood at that point.  

"By his wounds you have been healed."

When I consider Christs wounds and the dark truth that my sin brought forth the necessity of that pouring blood I do not feel destroyed but given life abundant to live proclaiming this radical sacrifice for my sin.  

There is no comparison because Jesus paid it all.

Facebook is a new hedge in my marriage

When my husband elaborated on the disclosure of his affair with an ex-girlfriend  he said, "She first contacted me on Facebook".  They exchanged private conversations, contact information and everything possible to re-connect after no prior exchange for over 12 years. 

Protect your marriage on Facebook.  Have a dual account, share total access or don't use Facebook at all.  

This is a current and fast acting threat promoting infedelity and betrayal in our marriages.  Some say we are already facing threat when becoming curious about old flames and reconnecting via social websites.  If you feel reluctant to make this a guardrail to protect your marriage or worse if you pressume this will never effect your marriage please sit down with your spouse immediately and honestly talk about your list of friends on Facebook.

See research resources: http://www.themodestmomblog.com/2013/03/protecting-your-marriage-on-facebook/

http://www.womansday.com/_mobile/sex-relationships/dating-marriage/facebook-and-marriage