Focus and Peace

I met the Lord in this place where He is never far off.  I am so clingy now to His presence that I have understood my great battle with anxiety is a direct result of my lack of communion with Him.  Blessed be to God who can spend himself without limit on our weary hearts-unfaltering in His love to protect and preserve us.  Calamity is inescapable but Gods presence is the only true comfort.  I love you Lord.  

S-O-PHIA

5 years ago this time I screamed my loudest most shrill throat tearing screams bringing this brilliant vivacious child into this world.  Her birth shattered my body to uncontrollable shakes and fever. She told me never to birth another baby in the hospital again.  She tells me how to be her mom and wears her whole heart so proud.  A smile for every day with sweet Sophia.  Happy Birthday, Love!

Leona, lion, lovely

This face and personality are something only God could contrive to create.  She is so captivating and ferociously beautiful.  Leona my love, may God keep you as His and live through your wild beauty.  

Eli Raynor love

Another tribute to my 4th heart swell who is growing more handsome everyday...

He is such a daily reflection of pure life and beauty.  Oh, to be in his fervently growing mind absorbing the world on such a primitive level, I would sleep like a baby!   

Even though we're just chewing the books right now it's never too early to expose them to a love for stories.

He is fascinated with the 75lb beast that carefully (mostly) walks around him on the floor.  They are intrigued with each other actually.  Both slobber and get around on all fours right now :)

Fun loving. 'Nough said.  I love you boy.

Adventures in Motherhood

I don't claim to have any answers in this journey of motherhood.  I trial and error with my kids every moment of every day by the grace of God they are safe and finding good reasons to smile in this life. 

Today, while venturing something new with all four I questioned every moment of my leading them with me to this big uncertain place.  I was impressed with them.  They respected the foreign nature of their environment and trusted every boundary I gave them.  In hindsight I wish I had relied more on the Lord, during the many moments of insecurity and the unknown.  I wish I had prayed with the kids before we stepped foot out of the car.  I wish I were more predisposed to faith instead of fret.

It is so perpetually generous of God to always be watching, caring, protecting even when we don't give Him a single thought for hours at a time.  

"Thank you dear Lord for keeping me and my four precious children safe and surrounded by your overwhelming love today and always.  Thank You God!"

They are in God's sovereign hands. 

Lamentation

There's a famous dance by Martha Graham called "Lamentation" where she dances the entire piece wrapped in this tube of fabric.  Sounds totally weird but it really conveys a sense of trapped in pain expression.  Here's Martha Graham in my favorite pose:

I've have always been captivated by this image as it represents a form of locked struggle.

Here's my rendition with regard to my sense of struggle:

It's not entirely as grieved as I saw in my head but actually more prayerful which is where I believe the Lord wants me right now.

I have no expectations that this is anything but my artistic rant through my emotional storm right now.  Just purging through charcoal.  

Make up Artist

My little make up artist in training...

Check out her arm.  She is running out of  work space.  This is what fills her sweet creative tank, so be it.  Love you Sophia Marie!

Searching for self

Self portrait, I think I was too generous...

Still hurts like hell

Nothing about this process of healing is something I can anticipate.  Every twinge of throat scraping reality hits anytime any place when I'm least expecting to lose my guard.  My guard.  I have never had the capacity to do all things motherhood while deeply feeling so cripple.  Is this considered denial?   But God...

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."

2 Corinthians 4:7

For added rest

Disfigured

Recently I've been feeling misplaced, uncomfortable in my own skin, disfigured.  What I knew and what I thought I knew has altogether become a feeling of being lost in my physical world.  Sounds pretty intense I guess but I'm never sold on the absolute temptation of those feelings. 

I'm not sold because of this:

2 Corinthians 5:1 For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

My personal mantra: "This is not my

home, this is not my home..."

My physical heart beats for these lives:

They are the greatest call to my faith and willingness to stand against the strongest waves of earthly disillusion.  I imagine they themselves will inflict a great sense of disillusion and I will disillusion them with my human incapacity.  

But God...

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

Amen

Art Journey

Current creative musings...

Joys and Healing

It's been a season of changes since this little one arrived.  Eli Raynor my high warrior is so tender toward his momma.  I won't be anxious to see this one grow up.  What a joy to my cast down heart.  I love you boy and so do your brother and sisters

These Gals

It is an incredible thing to realize how long and through what trials we can remain connected with people.  The faces in this photo represent a great deal of life endurance and journey through spiritual growth some yet to be discovered.  I am eternally grateful to friends who have walked through bitter moments with me and made courageous statements to help me see the Lord's mercy in spite of all things appearing grim.  Chosing honesty over personal comfort.  Applying love and care where it has been neglected.  Nurturing one another through fellowship in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Remembering who we were and who we are transforming into through God's grace.  These journeys are hardly concluded.  I love you gals, stay close.