Song Lyrics: Channeling Bitterness and Resentment

You ever find yourself telling someone off in your head while driving, cleaning or some other everyday task? The sheer emotion and precision that goes into a clever comeback or manipulating the most deep cutting remark is, what I believe, the same ruthless effort that goes into a good song.

Generally people, musicians and listeners, admire a song that fulfills an emotion for them. The words of a song speak for them the way they’d like to speak in a given life scenario – love life, family life, work place. That and a catchy chorus that manages to plaster itself in your head so easily that you’re singing it unconsciously throughout the day.

I was thinking this while reeling from a deep seeded emotional reaction I had recently, thinking “this would make a good line in a song”. That would maybe be the best place for it, since voicing it at any one person would enrage greater conflict and as a Christian I can’t justify stirring that kind of anger. So lately my head has been filling with “song lyrics” and that is a nice way to put it.

So vomit those aggressive words out on paper and spare your neighbor, family member or friend that mouthful of hate….please.

Little Picasso/Pollock Artists

Creativity in the Midst of Necessity

Having a difficult time managing merely the necessary tasks of the day....by the time a quiet moment comes around I hear a little voice inside me say "I want to make something!"

I observe a lot of incredibly talented moms doing far more than just the necessary items of motherhood and I have been more or less envious and/or resentful of their accomplishments. "How do they have time for so much creativity!?" I imagine the argument of personal organization would play a part in this. But how many artistically minded folks do you know who struggle with personal organization? I am one of them.

So I plot out a routine on paper - something far too complicated and over-zealous and I cripple my attempts before I even get started. Again the curse of certain artistic neurons that react to pressure and personal expectations before there's an idea formed.

So I've resorted to the hobby of simply THINKING about creative things for now and one day something will become realistically do-able and cohesive with my artistic disposition and I will satisfy that small voice inside constantly yearning to CREATE!

Brainstorming:

1) Pick up my dusty guitar and fabulatize some covers with my alleged singing voice. Play out, get some performance anxiety therapy. Whoa, maybe I'll get DISCOVERED! All things are possible in the brainstorm scenerio.

2) Love of Art. What can I use it for? Art speaks volumes through images both current and archaic. Connect visual art ultimately with the glory of God's creation. Not paintings of bright illuminating crosses and Bibles stories, but the struggling Christian, tempation, beauty in humanity linking moral value to an undeniable seed planted by God in man. Abstract art revealing the Gospel...not the open-ended fate, po-mo blasphamey that fills the 21st century art scene lately. Get involved in the long-standing debate of "What is Art?" Is it definable? Is skill and talent necessary to create something people can relate to? Why then do we have the title artist as opposed to angry,absolute truth despising 20-something with a paint brush What is the difference between "fine art" and just anyone's doodles and personal sketch book?


baby's crying, to be continued....

Cyclopentasiloxane

I had a totally blonde moment reading the back of my hairspray today. I read this ingredient, "Cyclopentasiloxane" which is kind of a beast to pronounce and type out. I immediately thought to myself "what essence of a one-eyed creature was ground up and made into this hairspray!?" Knowing that must be ridiculous, I was still curious if there were some word root association with a cyclops, because although gross it would ultimately make hairspray that much more fascinating.

Here's what I found:

"Cyclopentasiloxane (or CPS for short) is one of many types of silicones. In general, silcones are known for their ability to lubricate, waterproof and provide shine. (Think “Armor All” for your head.) There are many types of silcones – some have a very heavy, sticky consistency and others are very lightweight. CPS is a water-thin so it’s very good at dispersing thicker, greasier silicones. For this reason it’s often used in combination with dimethicone. It is also volatile, which means it will evaporate. So, not only does it help spread heavier silicones but it doesn’t leave your hair feeling weighed down after it’s done."

Pretty much a ridiculously long fancy word for a silicone they use in lots of cosmetics. Stupid factoid for the day.

One big happy

Well we officially have three babes in the house along with a set of wonderfully loving grandparents and a dingo-mut fox dog named Zulu. It really is beginning to feel like the Waltons around here.

After starting what I hoped was early labor last Wednesday my mom made a comment at the dinner table, "Well tomorrow we may have 7 for dinner!" Sure enough Miss Leona arrived the next morning and we were back home for dinner that evening. THIS is why I chose to give birth at a birthing center. Call me crazy but I wanted to have an un-induced, un-medicated birth so I could go home for dinner afterward.....



While appreciating the personal challenge of natural birth it is by far one of the most challenging things I've ever undertaken. I have a feeling the self-application will continue to transform my perspective on pain, suffering and all those ingenious methods God uses for His glory. God shined in my labor and carried me when I felt I could not go any further. I know my friends and family were all praying for me as well which was evident in the blessing of a rather quick delivery once things progressed.


I am in awe of experiencing another beautiful babe of God's creation and intricate design. Leona is small and delicate baby figuring out her body and space just like her older brother and sister have. It is a fascinating scene to see some of their traits in her and also see some of her own. For now she reads similar to Daniel - super gassy, eats like a horse and falls asleep virtually anywhere.

Thank you Lord for the many blessing all each of these children and bless sweet Leona as she grows.

EDD - estimated due date

Recently I read that the estimated due date is not entirely accurate in determining baby's arrival, but somehow all our hopes, planning and and expectations revolve around this day and when it passes some mom's become really discouraged. In the past I have been vastly disappointed exceeding even 38 weeks gestation and grown impatient with every additional day I remained carrying. At the end of my last pregnancy with Sophia I was really disappointed with myself for having a really rotten disposition through the last couple months.

Today I reached 40 weeks - my EDD and I don't feel anxious or disappointed...yet. I prayed a lot in this pregnancy to have some courage toward the end. I'm also more pregnant than I've ever been not having ever reached the official 40 weeks; I feel sort of accomplished in making it this far. Now it really is up to baby to let me know when she's ready. Somehow I have peace about this that I've never had before. Only took three pregnancies to find contentment...

My greatest concerns now are just to remain patient with courage to face the final birthing marathon which will also be an entirely new experience for me. I know women of every race and culture birth babies all the time and everyone's method of managing the discomfort varies. I pray that I will know what to do when the time comes, when to lay off and relax and when to gear up and be brave.

Sweet Sophia

She's brazen and the most confident little miss I've ever encountered and she's not even voicing opinions yet.....

I am regularly moved by Sophia's cheery disposition and especially on her off days. She has a way of sounding, looking and showing her sweetness that is SO feminine and I cannot take any credit. She encapsulates sugar and spice and everything nice!

The waiting game

Having exercised little patience during my last month pregnant with Sophia I have committed my entire pregnancy with Leona to a greater effort toward patience and contentment. Ask my husband and parents and they may tell you differently, but I AM trying to be cooler about this one.

At 38 weeks I feel no signs of labor only increased heaviness and the inhibition of physical strength to make life fun for my kids right now. As a result they're watching more TV/movie replays than I would prefer. Don't even ask how much we're frequenting meals out and McDees.

This pregnancy will also be different in that I have been seeing a midwife and planned to deliver at a birthing center unmedicated. Mostly because I hate being trapped at the hospital and all the opinionated nurses who tell me what I feel or how ready I am to go home. No offense to L&D and post-partum nurses, but ya'll have a professional committment to hospital procedure which is primarily developed due to liability issues that do not pertain to every birthing mother and when I bring my babe into the world I don't want to be lumped into that scenario anymore.

The idea of adding a third munchkin to our family has been alarming and uncertain, but that's pretty much how all of our children have entered our life - bringing Mommy and Daddy to the cross and seeking God's provision and wisdom. Although our family planning has been anything but, God has apparently had a plan all this time and that is reassuring to me. Really the last several years have been very much a matter of God's planning apart from mine or Adam's there's no telling what the next several more will bring. God is always present and always promising our protection with unconditional love and that is absolutely enough to calm the most uncertain of times.

Photo diary: D's birthday @ 35 weeks prego

Leona Renee Smith

Finally a name for this little one. It has been a longer decision process than I/we expected. So why Leona?

Leona is the feminine form of Leon which is latin for "lion". I've been taking an Ancient Classical Humanities class this semester and culturally the image of a lion resembles that of power. So when we considered the middle name we wanted it to coincide with a powerful concept like "grace", "faith" or "truth". BTW Vera is a lovely Slavic name which means "faith; truth". The name Leona is pretty dated (hasn't really been popular since the turn of the 20th Century). Yes, except for Miss Leona Lewis the british pop star who won't quit bleeding everywhere...this was a brief reason to debate the name, but I pushed through it.

Renee is French and means "reborn" which is appropriate for our desire to see our children each turn their life to the Lord and be born again for His glory.

Any Smith would agree, you have to dress that last name up very carefully and with our recent adventures in identity theft because of Adam's name I felt confirmed in this regard.

Leona Renee Smith (rhythmic pattern 3-2-1) feels flowy in the right way. It's certainly better than calling her baby #3 or Tutti which was Daniel's suggestion for a name.

It's really only for these massively intimidating and permanent decisions that I deliberate so much. I'm pretty sure that's why all our kids have been unplanned because I don't think I would have come to a time of certainty about having a baby.....just plowed right in.

The Kids in February

Venting

Mistakes have become so expensive lately, it's like the world's greatest means of revenue - overdraft fees, late fees, break lease fees, HOA VIOLATION FEES!!! Things like this really encourage my cynicism when I am really struggling to be hopeful and certainly more patient with God's plan.

To give you some idea we have had some unfortunate mishaps whether due to our disorganization of time or just plain fraudulent robbery. It's like bumping your head on the same low door frame everyday. My sin nature wants to point the finger and blame blame blame that blasted door frame for existing right where my spacial awareness is blind but that's ridiculous.

We are victim to about $6200+ worth of these insane violations and fraudulent occurrences and it's all happened as we have made the greatest headway to reduce our debt. I admit I am maybe worshiping the day when I can confidently say "I don't owe any money to anyone!" The point at which what comes into our bank goes entirely toward our future and not a penny recovering our mistakes from the past. Is this possible? Is there some deeper lesson to be observed from this constant reality of debt?

I hate unmarked letters for this reason; they make my heart jump into my throat and choke me. This is the money devil isn't it? They say you can't be buried with your money but when you die who gets left with your debt? Yes I am indulging my cynicism now.

2010 Full Force Ahead

It is always amazing to look back and observe the period of waiting both with humiliation and with hindsight and thankfulness for God's blessing.

As many of you know Adam finally found a job just before Christmas which allowed us to enjoy the holidays with a little more peace.

We are also expecting kiddo #3 in June which has also been a challenge to our ability to cope with the longer-than-expected period of unemployment.

Adam begins at UCF next week stepping closer toward his degree in Electrical Engineering. Meanwhile this new job is a super thrill for him working with military defense training and exhausting his skills and aptitude with a group of guys from all military, engineering and technical backgrounds. The job has been a wonderful answer to prayers prayed even 5 years ago when Adam was first entering the civilian career field after his tour with the Navy. We prayed for something relevant and chock full of skill building experience for his degree pursuit. I'm really thrilled for him.

I am slowly and somewhat diligently pursuing a degree less than quarter time right now. Recently I've been more anxious to develop some sort of trade in addition to my first love of Art History. The idea of juggling the schooling with three little ones frightens me, but I've seen God make anything happen over the last ten years and I have faith He will make the time and opportunity available as it pleases Him. I'm considering a degree in Radiology Sciences for the purpose of becoming a technician as my "trade".

I know these years with small kids will go fast. I already experience the rush of their change and maturity. My main goal right now is to keep it together while I'm still learning how to be a parent and to multiple children. Something tells me I'm going to be learning until my kids have kids.

So if you think of me or Adam just pray that we can make a God-glorifying juggle of marriage, survival and parenthood. One day at a time has never been more real to me. The process of sanctification is abrupt at times and a relief to my worldview in respect to the many circumstances in this life which are entirely out of my hands.

Letting God be God.