Sense of self

Whether you base your self identity in the world or in God I think it is inevitable that you will now and again lose that sense of self through distraction or disappointment.

Being a mother has been a very high calling: one that I feel at times unqualified for yet still in great pursuit of success. We have had our guinea pig baby and are now on to the second. My sense of self seems lost a lot of the time. I struggle to see anything other than my son's inquisitive eyes or baby girl's vulnerable face. There is never a moment when I am not thinking of these kids and I believe that is what makes me their mother.

I'm 25 years old and seemingly a young mommy. I think I'd be vacillating between jobs and career choices if I weren't raising children. I'm sure there would be something incredibly exhausting in solely pursuing a career, but the grass is always greener and I'm positive my patience and level of sacrifice is experiencing a greater strain being a mom.

I would hate for my kids to know I was unhappy at times while they were little. I would never trade these experiences for anything. It is hard to watch myself be selfish in front of my children---hard to be humbled before them. It is difficult to know when to steal the time to be selfish for strengthening purposes. It's true some times I just need like two hours outside of home to reset and find that new energy to be creative and more tender-hearted with Daniel.

I couldn't ask for a more gentle spirited baby. Sophia has been such an easy-going baby, I hate to be superstitious and think that the worst is yet to come. She is completely opposite of the needy and complicated labels generalized for baby girls...unless I've been under the wrong impression. She actually smiles more than cries everyday. She gets distracted from eating and can't stop smiling at times...I thought babies this young only had hunger in mind.

The greatest strain of my self is in the desire for security and safety with having children. Because they are completely dependent on me and Adam the weight of care and awareness is heightened. My purpose on earth is heightened and therefore my life and health are of great importance. I have never felt more necessary on earth until I had children and furthermore never felt more dependent on God to protect us from the sin and danger of this world.

In considering all this on an everyday basis I am constantly exhausted and maybe not trusting/relying on God enough. I have put most of my dreams and self ambitions on hold or reserve and have assumed this role as my greatest calling yet. Being a mother is tough. I hate to complain. I am still such a newsie and hoping to truly embrace motherhood with great pride.