Just Not So....for now

I recently found out that I will be waiting another year to attempt acceptance into the Radiography program. It's been a little disappointing. Since I began the program I knew this particular point would be the most uncertain since there are only 20 students accepted each year. I am like a sitting duck for another year - sitting figuratively; there's plenty to keep busy with in the meantime... Immediately I'm desperate to start a new project, but I have a house full already. I don't know what has come over me, but suddenly the walls are like the next best thing to a big expensive canvas and I wanna' paint! I'm not a painter so I don't know what the heck I'm thinking, but it might get a little interesting in here in the next couple weeks. I gave up dying my hair almost a year ago. I used to change the color and cut every 6 months. I think the change itch is now coming over me in a new way. I like the fact that if I goof up the wall I can easily start over - an immediate forgiveness to my fear of self-made disaster. I should keep the wall color on hand so I can do all this before Adam gets home from work. The kids will still rat me out: "Mommy painted this ugly thing on the wall!" So far I've painted the kitchen and a faux brick portion of the wall under the counter. I don't have any new ideas yet.

Plain Jane

I can't help but fall into the temptation of thinking we live a relatively plain life. Our goals are honestly to live each day to it's fullest and that's pretty much how each day transpires - full and -est and etc. (bedtime).

We've spent the last 10 years grasping perspective while the advance stages of parenting have all at once assumed position. God help us as we raise these babes while feeling constantly inexperienced. I don't know that we could attach anymore extraordinary circumstances to the ordinarily complicated ones we already have. I'm not just speaking about parenting but adding other ventures to making ends meat, surviving this world and doing it all for God's glory -- that is what I've come to observe is not enough of a challenge for some.

I spent my early adulthood signing up and volunteering for way more than I was able to undertake. It required a heap of burning failure and stalled ambition in order to realize that I could only give so much. Having three children has enacted a maternal self-awareness that has forced me to filter through these vast "opportunities" in order to maintain the strength and energy my children need from me on a daily basis.

So I am tempted to ask, "Is what I'm doing enough? Counted as worthy? Equivalently self-sacrificing?"


I'm a stay-at-home mom. I am a student. I am a spouse - a military spouse - and therefore a single parent at times. I am a survivor of once paralyzing anxiety and depression. I am a Christian in a world that despises absolute truth. I am ordinary and that's about all I can manage right now - by the grace the God.

Song Lyrics: Channeling Bitterness and Resentment

You ever find yourself telling someone off in your head while driving, cleaning or some other everyday task? The sheer emotion and precision that goes into a clever comeback or manipulating the most deep cutting remark is, what I believe, the same ruthless effort that goes into a good song.

Generally people, musicians and listeners, admire a song that fulfills an emotion for them. The words of a song speak for them the way they’d like to speak in a given life scenario – love life, family life, work place. That and a catchy chorus that manages to plaster itself in your head so easily that you’re singing it unconsciously throughout the day.

I was thinking this while reeling from a deep seeded emotional reaction I had recently, thinking “this would make a good line in a song”. That would maybe be the best place for it, since voicing it at any one person would enrage greater conflict and as a Christian I can’t justify stirring that kind of anger. So lately my head has been filling with “song lyrics” and that is a nice way to put it.

So vomit those aggressive words out on paper and spare your neighbor, family member or friend that mouthful of hate….please.

Little Picasso/Pollock Artists

Creativity in the Midst of Necessity

Having a difficult time managing merely the necessary tasks of the day....by the time a quiet moment comes around I hear a little voice inside me say "I want to make something!"

I observe a lot of incredibly talented moms doing far more than just the necessary items of motherhood and I have been more or less envious and/or resentful of their accomplishments. "How do they have time for so much creativity!?" I imagine the argument of personal organization would play a part in this. But how many artistically minded folks do you know who struggle with personal organization? I am one of them.

So I plot out a routine on paper - something far too complicated and over-zealous and I cripple my attempts before I even get started. Again the curse of certain artistic neurons that react to pressure and personal expectations before there's an idea formed.

So I've resorted to the hobby of simply THINKING about creative things for now and one day something will become realistically do-able and cohesive with my artistic disposition and I will satisfy that small voice inside constantly yearning to CREATE!

Brainstorming:

1) Pick up my dusty guitar and fabulatize some covers with my alleged singing voice. Play out, get some performance anxiety therapy. Whoa, maybe I'll get DISCOVERED! All things are possible in the brainstorm scenerio.

2) Love of Art. What can I use it for? Art speaks volumes through images both current and archaic. Connect visual art ultimately with the glory of God's creation. Not paintings of bright illuminating crosses and Bibles stories, but the struggling Christian, tempation, beauty in humanity linking moral value to an undeniable seed planted by God in man. Abstract art revealing the Gospel...not the open-ended fate, po-mo blasphamey that fills the 21st century art scene lately. Get involved in the long-standing debate of "What is Art?" Is it definable? Is skill and talent necessary to create something people can relate to? Why then do we have the title artist as opposed to angry,absolute truth despising 20-something with a paint brush What is the difference between "fine art" and just anyone's doodles and personal sketch book?


baby's crying, to be continued....

Cyclopentasiloxane

I had a totally blonde moment reading the back of my hairspray today. I read this ingredient, "Cyclopentasiloxane" which is kind of a beast to pronounce and type out. I immediately thought to myself "what essence of a one-eyed creature was ground up and made into this hairspray!?" Knowing that must be ridiculous, I was still curious if there were some word root association with a cyclops, because although gross it would ultimately make hairspray that much more fascinating.

Here's what I found:

"Cyclopentasiloxane (or CPS for short) is one of many types of silicones. In general, silcones are known for their ability to lubricate, waterproof and provide shine. (Think “Armor All” for your head.) There are many types of silcones – some have a very heavy, sticky consistency and others are very lightweight. CPS is a water-thin so it’s very good at dispersing thicker, greasier silicones. For this reason it’s often used in combination with dimethicone. It is also volatile, which means it will evaporate. So, not only does it help spread heavier silicones but it doesn’t leave your hair feeling weighed down after it’s done."

Pretty much a ridiculously long fancy word for a silicone they use in lots of cosmetics. Stupid factoid for the day.

One big happy

Well we officially have three babes in the house along with a set of wonderfully loving grandparents and a dingo-mut fox dog named Zulu. It really is beginning to feel like the Waltons around here.

After starting what I hoped was early labor last Wednesday my mom made a comment at the dinner table, "Well tomorrow we may have 7 for dinner!" Sure enough Miss Leona arrived the next morning and we were back home for dinner that evening. THIS is why I chose to give birth at a birthing center. Call me crazy but I wanted to have an un-induced, un-medicated birth so I could go home for dinner afterward.....



While appreciating the personal challenge of natural birth it is by far one of the most challenging things I've ever undertaken. I have a feeling the self-application will continue to transform my perspective on pain, suffering and all those ingenious methods God uses for His glory. God shined in my labor and carried me when I felt I could not go any further. I know my friends and family were all praying for me as well which was evident in the blessing of a rather quick delivery once things progressed.


I am in awe of experiencing another beautiful babe of God's creation and intricate design. Leona is small and delicate baby figuring out her body and space just like her older brother and sister have. It is a fascinating scene to see some of their traits in her and also see some of her own. For now she reads similar to Daniel - super gassy, eats like a horse and falls asleep virtually anywhere.

Thank you Lord for the many blessing all each of these children and bless sweet Leona as she grows.