Adventures in Motherhood

I don't claim to have any answers in this journey of motherhood.  I trial and error with my kids every moment of every day by the grace of God they are safe and finding good reasons to smile in this life. 

Today, while venturing something new with all four I questioned every moment of my leading them with me to this big uncertain place.  I was impressed with them.  They respected the foreign nature of their environment and trusted every boundary I gave them.  In hindsight I wish I had relied more on the Lord, during the many moments of insecurity and the unknown.  I wish I had prayed with the kids before we stepped foot out of the car.  I wish I were more predisposed to faith instead of fret.

It is so perpetually generous of God to always be watching, caring, protecting even when we don't give Him a single thought for hours at a time.  

"Thank you dear Lord for keeping me and my four precious children safe and surrounded by your overwhelming love today and always.  Thank You God!"

They are in God's sovereign hands. 

Lamentation

There's a famous dance by Martha Graham called "Lamentation" where she dances the entire piece wrapped in this tube of fabric.  Sounds totally weird but it really conveys a sense of trapped in pain expression.  Here's Martha Graham in my favorite pose:

I've have always been captivated by this image as it represents a form of locked struggle.

Here's my rendition with regard to my sense of struggle:

It's not entirely as grieved as I saw in my head but actually more prayerful which is where I believe the Lord wants me right now.

I have no expectations that this is anything but my artistic rant through my emotional storm right now.  Just purging through charcoal.  

Make up Artist

My little make up artist in training...

Check out her arm.  She is running out of  work space.  This is what fills her sweet creative tank, so be it.  Love you Sophia Marie!

Searching for self

Self portrait, I think I was too generous...

Still hurts like hell

Nothing about this process of healing is something I can anticipate.  Every twinge of throat scraping reality hits anytime any place when I'm least expecting to lose my guard.  My guard.  I have never had the capacity to do all things motherhood while deeply feeling so cripple.  Is this considered denial?   But God...

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."

2 Corinthians 4:7

For added rest

Disfigured

Recently I've been feeling misplaced, uncomfortable in my own skin, disfigured.  What I knew and what I thought I knew has altogether become a feeling of being lost in my physical world.  Sounds pretty intense I guess but I'm never sold on the absolute temptation of those feelings. 

I'm not sold because of this:

2 Corinthians 5:1 For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

My personal mantra: "This is not my

home, this is not my home..."

My physical heart beats for these lives:

They are the greatest call to my faith and willingness to stand against the strongest waves of earthly disillusion.  I imagine they themselves will inflict a great sense of disillusion and I will disillusion them with my human incapacity.  

But God...

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

Amen